Enquirer Exclusive! How do the Nats spell relief? M-A-U-R-Y

"He's like a 68 year old Jeff Brantley; he has Lee Smith's eyes and John Wetteland's arm." 
(Jim Bowden, via Nationals Enquirer sources, 6/22/2008)

WASHINGTON - JUNE 23: According to  sources with no direct knowledge of the situation, the Washington Nationals have signed television talk show host Maury Povich to a major league deal after Povich's impressive performance throwing out the ceremonial first pitch before Sunday's game between the Nationals and the Texas Rangers at Nationals Park, which was followed by another meltdown by the Nationals bullpen. Povich was at the game for the dedication of the press box to his father, the late Shirley Povich. According to baseball sources, Povich will pitch out of the bullpen. Nationals pitching coach Randy St. Claire may or may not have told a baseball source: "He didn't leave it out over the middle of the plate, unlike some of the [guys] we've been throwing out there recently. He executed his pitch." Nationals General Manager Jim Bowden reportedly gushed: "Think: John Wetteland. Without the firecrackers." Povich unavailable for comment.

Meantime, sources with no knowledge of the situation confirmed that the Nationals are looking for additional bullpen help, and are actively pursuing a deal with former Washington Senators reliever and WWII vet Bert Shepard, who passed away last Monday.

(Photo by Greg Fiume Getty Images)

Comments

[harper]

He reminds me of a young Firpo Marberry.

[The Nationals Enquirer]

funny that you bring up Firpo Marberry, harper. Our "sources" (several esteemed "Baseball Men") confirm at this hour that the Nationals are "close" to signing Marberry to a minor league deal. He'll report to Potomac, we're told...

[harper]

Do we point out this is an obvious imposter for the 32yr deceased Marberry or hold our tongues figuring an imposter has at least a 30% chance of giving the Nats 30 good innings in relief?

[The Nationals Enquirer]

In the spirit of Jimbo, and his "throw it against the wall and see what sticks" approach to assembling a team, let's just hold our tongues...