Sincere apologies for being late to the party and missing the Dec. 31 deadline for year-end lists. But for the sake of putting the 2008 Nationals season to bed once and for all, here is The Nationals Enquirer 2008 Hangover Edition, and the long-awaited Official Nationals Enquirer Top 37 Nationals Storylines of 2008, which we fully intended on posting New Year's Eve but staff members got drunk and simply forgot. Please note that our definition of "Top" includes the good, the bad, and of course, the ugly. Without further ado, here's the list. Let us know if we missed anything.
37. April 6, 2008: Nats get knocked out of first place in the NL East.
36. Signs of Spring: In February, speculation on Nationals.com about what a rotation headed up by a healthy John Patterson and Shawn Hill would be like. For some reason, the Nationals felt comfortable going into another season counting on Patterson and Hill. In March, Odalis Perez is named Opening Night starter. 35. A Farewell to (sore) Arms: The John Patterson Era finally ends. 33. Paul the Pusher. Jimbo's $5 million mistake arrives in camp following a winter of hiding out after being named in the Mitchell Report . He doesn't hit, gets heckled everywhere, spends most of his time on the DL, then gets released and subsequently apologizes for wasting everybody's time.
34. More What Ifs: In March, the first published report of soreness for Shawn Hill. And so, another long season of wasting time on Shawn Hill begins. Shut down at the end of August. Amazingly, he'll be back in the mix in 2009.
32. Peter Angelos declares his love for the Nationals, yet reportedly attacks the Racing Presidents during a Nats Promotion at the Inner Harbor leading up to the Battle of the Beltways.
31. Nationals play first exhibition game at shiny new Nationals Park. The game is memorable only because Dmitri Young is listed as a svelte 220 lbs. on the JumboTron.
30. Old Frank: In April, former skipper Frank Robinson visits with the Nats in NYC. According to 'sources', Frank tries to pick a fight with Jim Bowden, attempted to make four or five pitching changes during batting practice, then was found 20 minutes later dozing in Manny Acta's office.
29. In a failed attempt to get Dmitri Young's weight under control, the Nats hire Richard Simmons as his personal trainer.
28. Will the real Jason Bergmann please stand up? We still have no idea what the hell to make of Bergmann.Something tells us he doesn't know either.
27. Jesus on a stretcher! The Jesus Flores/Chase Utley homeplate collision leads to more bad blood between the eventual World Series winners and the eventual worst team in baseball and opens up a debate about what it means to play the game the right way. In the aftermath, Jesus is OK and Charlie Manuel coins the phrase "Good School" while waxing poetic about how real men don't wear lipstick.
26. A dramatically thinner Ray King reports to camp; nickname changed from "Burger" to "Salmon" King. Unfortunately, the skinny Ray King stinks it up, gets released, and eventually appears on Baseball Tonight as a Fat Pitcher analyst to break down a Bartolo Colon start.
25. In March, a report surfaces on the internet that Dmitri Young is pregnant. Overall, just a sad year for the big lug, who struggles with diabetes all season just a year removed from Comeback Player of the Year honors.
24. Streaking. April 13: Nats' losing streak hits nine, the first of many extended losing streaks of the season. In postgame comments, Paul Lo Duca's tells the media: "You could bring a squirrel in here and he's going to do better than we've been playing." August 21, a Nats' losing streak hits 12. Sadly, no squirrels can be found to salvage the season.
23. Fittingly, the final home game of the season gets rained out.
22. Ryan Zimmerman spotted in the stands drinking beer between innings of a 3-0 loss to the Braves at Nationals Park.
21. Nationals and MASN order Don Sutton to cut his White Man's Afro.
20. Mo' Willie and Wily No. Willie Harris is one of just a few bright spots: he outhomers Wily Mo Pena by June and in July, a giant snowball fight breaks out in hell as Willie is named NL Player of the Week. Meanwhile, Wily Mo Pena Cries big strongman tears after struggling, then goes out for the season with shoulder tear originally called "day to day" by Nats' medical staff.
19. The emergence of Jesus Flores: Arrived late to camp and exiled to AAA to start the season, Jesus shines, then sticks, after getting called up once Lo Duca and Estrada go down with injuries in May. 18. MASN gives Nationals fans who aren't tuning in one more reason to not tune in to a May 28 (10:05 PM start) game against San Diego: Paul Lo Duca filling in for Don Sutton. 17. Miracle Masseuse cures Da Meat Hook's bad back! 16. The Rebirth of Cristian Guzman! Guz redeems himself with a solid season, and represents the Nats at the All Star Game, where he reportedly tries to jump ship from the Nats by taking the field in pre-game ceremonies with the American League in his old Twins gear, hoping to sneak back to Minnesota after the All Star Break. In July, naked pictures of Ted Lerner surface and blackmail ensues: Guzman gets a big payday. 15. Deadbeat Lerners refuse to pay rent at Nationals Park, citing substantially incomplete stadium. Meanwhile, substantially incomplete major league baseball team continues to flounder. 14. Ryan Zimmerman tweaks his shoulder scooping dog poop; Not surprisingly, Nats' medical staff call the injury 'day-to-day'. On June 3, shocked Nationals Park employees unpacking boxes of bobbleheads for Ryan Zimmerman Bobblehead Night find that Zim's Bobblehead has a scalpel protruding from the left shoulder, which some took to be an eerie portent of things to come. 2008 closes, and still no long-term deal for the face of the franchise. 13. The Elijah Dukes Watch. Elijah Dukes arrived in camp saying all the right things, marking the official start of the Elijah Dukes Watch: it wasn't a question of if he'd screw up, but a question of when. Dukes finally melted down in June during a 9th inning dugout blowout with Manny Acta. But it was all just a little misunderstanding! and ultimately Dukes' season was defined by flashes of brilliance and a bunch of clutch performances and unfortunately, loads of time on the DL. Oh, and don't forget that Dukes managed to piss off the entire city of New York in September -- or at least a lot of Met fans, which earned him points with The Nationals Enquirer but not necessarily his teammates. 12. Manny The Met: Whispers about Manny Acta's inevitable job in NY after Willie Randolph firing. Later, on the heels of Manny's coaching staff getting fired and another collapse down the stretch by the Mets, Manny talks like a man who hates his boss. Interestingly, in October, the Nats give a resounding no-vote of confidence to their skipper by attempting to hire his replacement as a coach: Willie Randolph! 11. Nats make an honest run at Teixeira, but in the end the Pinstriped Grinch steals Christmas. 10. Stan's bags are packed: As the long summer wears on, it becomes obvious to everyone that Stan Kasten Hates his job. Painfully obvious. But then Stan puts on a happy face and sets the record straight: He loves his job! 9. The fall of the Chief. Chad Cordero hears clicking in his shoulder in April. Nats' medical staff calls it day-to-day. After his 55 MPH fastball provides a little tipoff that something might be amiss, he finally breaks down in a loss to the Braves in April and heads to the 15 day DL. In June, the inevitable: he's shut down for season. In October, the former Closer is released.
8. Jim Bowden puts the ass in Classy by announcing plans to non-tender The Chief...on the radio.
7. More ugliness: Jimbo and Rijo and the MLB Scouting Probe.
6. Somehow, some way, Jim Bowden keeps his job. He's like Rasputin.
5. The Aaron Crowe Debacle. We pinned the blame on the cheapskate owners, naturally.
4. Nationals lose 102 games and lock up worst record in baseball by tanking the final game of the season: just look at that lineup!! Steven Strasburg here we come!
3. If a team loses in Washington, and nobody is there to see it: Nats TV numbers are released, and they're teeny tiny. Radio numbers not so good, either. Home Attendance: not so hot. Nationals ignore the obvious solution. Meanwhile, Bud Selig reportedly threatens to return the Nats to Montreal.
2. Ryan Zimmerman's walkoff opens Nationals Park.
1. Jim Bowden. On a Segway.
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