Nats Enquirer

Signs of Life?

"We know what we're dealing with. When we got those guys, everything was based on potential. Potential means that you might do something. So they're going to get their playing time."
(Manny Acta, via Washington Times, 5/24/2008)

Nats 5, Brewers 1: High Five. WiMP's HR drought ends; Nats finally hit a little bit when it counts.

Thanks, J.J. Hardy!

Thumbs down: Odalis Perez exits with a cut thumb. Dukes knocked out by ankle knock; he's day to day.

No runners thrown out at the plate (not coincidentally, Tim Tolman missed the game)

(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

The triumphant return of Alex Escobar will have to wait another day.

Langerhans, Manning, Sanches: UP. Chico and Schroder: DOWN.

Damn. After all that, Ryan Langerhans? Come on! Boring. Isn't offense the problem? Haven't WiMP and Milledge proven that the Nats can get by with shoddy defense? Isn't defense all Langerhans brings to the table? I don't get it. Guess we'll have to wait a little longer for another 2-week run by Alex Escobar: at least until Langerhans' hamstring acts up.

So, with a heavy heart, we extend a reluctant "welcome" to Langerhans, and an indifferent "welcome" to Charlie (don't call me Eli or Peyton) Manning and Brian (not spelled Sanchez) Sanches.

Farewell (again) to Chris Schroder (probably see you back up again next week judging from the way you keep getting jerked around), and farewell (at last!) to Matt Chico: what the hell took so long? Hope you figure things out down there...

Enquirer Exclusive! Kearns fakes elbow injury, will spend rest of the summer fishing

"You can only get out of slumps by playing. Your batting average is not going to change if you're not playing.[Spending the rest of the summer fishing is definitely not going to help his average.]"
(Manny Acta, via Washington Post, 5/23/2008)

Austin Kearns: Loose bodies? Or Gone Fishing?

According to sources with no knowledge of the situation, Austin Kearns' elbow is 'just fine'  and he will not have elbow surgery today; rather, Kearns is faking the injury in order to use his time more productively by returning to his home state of Kentucky to go fishing for the rest of the summer. Just what are "loose bodies", anyway? Jim Bowden unavailable for comment.

So, pick one: Langerhans, Escobar, Bernadina, or Maxwell. We say: Alex Escobar! And not just to watch him hit like crazy for 2 weeks until suffering some bizarre injury involving his nose hair.

But we still think the best bet for choosing Kearns' replacement is to put all the pictures up on a wall and throw a dart.

Unrelated: if you missed it, the Dan Steinberg Sports Bog Machine unearthed video of the infamous Softball Girls incident...

(Video above, Austin Kearns getting mercilessly heckled. Brutal.)

Ray King on Baseball Tonight as "Analyst of Fat Pitchers"

It takes one to know one: Ray King debuts on Baseball Tonight, refrains from making fat jokes about Bartolo Colon.

Nope, you can't make this stuff up. Former National (and about 7 other teams) lefty Ray King appeared on Baseball Tonight last night to break down big fat Bartolo Colon's 2008 Red Sox debut. I guess David Wells was busy? Enjoy the awkwardness as Karl Ravech tries to frame the question: "So, Ray, at one time, you were a big fat guy. What was that like? As a pitcher, I mean?" It came out as something like:

"You're a guy who pitched with a lot of your frame as well. Is there any concern from your perspective about a guy who throws with that much weight and the effect it might have on him long term?"

All kidding (and fat jokes) aside, Ray actually seems like a natural at thisTV thing. Hey MASN, Ray King is looking for a job!

Name that GM

Quote from GM of a scuffling, last place NL team:

"We're bad, no question about it. And I've seen no signs to tell us or our fans that we're going to turn it around. I'm not going to watch this for another four months. Other than our starting pitching and the back end of the bullpen, other than that it's all negatives."

Quote from another GM of a scuffling, last place NL team:

"We are playing good baseball. We are catching the ball. Our starting pitching has been really good, so that has been encouraging. We have to get the bats going. We have a lot of young hitters in the outfield that are learning and developing in the Major League level. It's going to take patience."

Would it hurt to be honest with your paying customers? This "We are playing good baseball." quote is bullshit. Could be a long four months...sure, it takes patience, but wouldn't it be nice to see someone (manager, GM, owner) seem pissed off about it?

DIRTY DOZEN

"Sometimes you don't want to see that kind of inning that we had over there when we gave up the eight runs."
(Manny Acta, via Washington Times, 5/22/2008)

Sometimes? Sometimes?

Phillies 12, Nats 2: That was ugly! 8 run nightmare 6th dooms the Good Ship Acta.

Vintage Matt Chico, ticket now officially, officially, absolutely, punched for AAA right? Almost makes you wonder why they wasted their time letting him "figure it out" in the bullpen. So who takes his spot in the rotation?

Elijah Dukes hits! Now 2-for-the-season: raises average from .038 to .067. Kearns' elbow condition couldn't have come at a better time: just leave Elijah alone out there...he'll figure it out...(*fingers crossed*)

Meanwhile...Wow! Cheapskate Lerners trying to shake down the District for $100K per day!?

Bowden says Lenny Harris's job is still safe.

(AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)

.038 Special

The Elijah Dukes Hit Watch is officially on.

He's 1-for-the-season (.038 AVG): how low can he go? Back in RF, batting eighth tonight.

But as the hits just keep not coming for Dukes, here's hoping Manny leaves him out there, regardless of how bad it gets, just for the chance of seeing something like this (just not during BP). He's had 26 ABs. Patience.

(Photo by The Nationals Enquirer staff taken 5/19/2008)

Fat Phillies fans love Chase Utley!

Fat Tuesday! More fat guys in Chase Utley shirts than you can shake a stick at!

For the second night in a row, Nationals Park was invaded by throngs of fat Phillies fans in XXXXL Chase Utley jerseys. Enquiring minds want to know: what the hell is it about the 6'1", ~200 lb. Utley that makes 5'6", ~300 lb. fat guys go out and purchase his jersey en masse?

(Photo of Phillies fan in a Chase Utley jersey by The Nationals Enquirer staff 5/19/2008)

Silver Lining

"There's still work to be done, but I'm pleased so far with the results. Once you build on a little bit of confidence, it's a lot easier to throw a little bit better. I've felt pretty good."
(Jason Bergmann, via Washington Times, 5/21/2008)

Phillies 1, Nats 0: Jason Bergmann makes another loud statement, but bats silent against Hamels.

(AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)

REDD BULL

"I'm comfortable in my own skin. Which is something I haven't been in a while."
(Tim Redding, via Washington Times, 5/20/2008)

Nats 4, Phillies 0: More of the same old gritty stuff from The Tim Redding Journeyman Express (W #6).

Snowball fight breaks out in hell as a Nationals outfielder actually contributes (Three cheers for L-Millz! 2-4, 2RBI!)

Kearns and his "sore elbow" sat out another night.

Chico for Hill on Wednesday.

Belliard to 15 day DL. Chris Schroder recalled from Columbus for the 50th time in 2 months.

(AP Photo/Lawrence Jackson)