Nats Enquirer

Throw a dart...

   

Play the "Replace Austin Kearns on the roster with ______________" game!

In the spirit of kicking a man when he's down, and keeping up with the increasingly-popular "Run Austin Kearns out of Washington!" chorus, we've been calling Jim Bowden's cellphone the last few days with a strategy for choosing a replacement to take AK's roster spot AFTER the team accidentally leaves him behind on the West Coast next week. It goes like this:

1. Pick 8 minor league outfielders at random. 2. Paste their mug shots on a dart board. 3. Throw a dart. 4. If it lands on Kory Casto, repeat step 3.

We've picked 8 players at random from AAA and AA ball. Here's the reasons why any of them would be a better use of a roster spot right now than the beleaguered Mr. Kearns:

1. Alex Escobar: Forget his stats through 22 games with Columbus this season (.329 AVG, .357 OBP, .506 SLG, .863 OPS, 3 HR, 14 RBI): AE would be better to have around than AK because it's fun to try and guess what his next, freak, season-ending injury is going to be.
2. Garrett Guzman: Forget the fact he got demoted from AAA to AA because of his struggles at the plate, there's one reason and one reason only to consider GG as a replacement for AK (with a hat tip to NTP): GUZMANIA!
3. Ryan Langerhans: Forget the fact he's actually hitting in AAA, the return of Ryan Langerhans to the Nats would mean we're that much closer to reuniting the Langerhans/Nook Logan platoon in center, which makes me misty eyed just thinking about it.
4. Jorge Padilla: Forget that he's only appeared in 2 games for Columbus since being called up to replace the aforementioned Garret Guzman, he's hitting .667!!1!11!
5. Justin Maxwell: Because his name lends itself to one of the most annoying nickname trends in sports: take the player's first initial, then take the first few letters of the last name, stick a hyphen in between 'em, and VOILA! instant nickname: J-Max! Gone are the days of nicknames like "The Toy Cannon" or "The Crime Dog" or "Three Fingers" or "The Sultan of Swat". Anyway, J-Max showed flashes last season, and seems to be heating up (3 HR, 6RBI, 4SB over his last 10 games).
6. Roger Bernadina: Because his real name is "Rogearvin", and he's got wheels!
7. Kory Casto: Because for a while a few years ago, he was The Answer.
8. Dee Brown: Because it can't hurt to have a guy on the roster who won the NBA Dunk Contest back in the day.

(Then again, there's always Kenny Lofton *shudder*) 

RAIN MAN

"There was a lot of swing and miss."
(Wil Nieves, via Washington Post, 5/18/2008)

Nats 2, Orioles 1: Thank Jesus (not Flores or Colome) for John Lannan! A lot of rain, then a lot of swing and miss: Lannan beats loooooong rain delay, O's.

Gosh, even without Kearns and his sore elbow in the lineup, the OF still went 0-10 (L-Millz 0-4, Dukes 0-3, Mackowiak 0-2, Willy not Wily, 0-1). 

Rain delays totaled 6 minutes longer than the game?

Meanwhile...Countdown to the DL is on...

(AP Photo/Nick Wass)

BENCH HIM FOR GOOD

"I felt pretty good. That situation, I felt like I was going to get it done."
(Austin Kearns, via Washington Times, 5/18/2008)

Orioles 6, Nats 5: Can't pin this loss on just one person, but yet again, The Austin Kearns LOB Machine never seems to come through when it actually matters (this time, an eighth inning whiff with the bases loaded to snuff out a comeback).

Kearns now 2-for-his-last-150 (at least it feels that way). Enough. He's had 900+ ABs since becoming a National in 2006, they know what they've got in AK. Time to park him on the bench, give his starting job to Elijah Dukes, and give Dukes an opportunity to show that he's a part of the future.

Meanwhile...

Surprise! Shawn Hill's elbow is hurting.

(Photo of Austin Kearns flailing around on Thursday in NY by Al Bello/Getty Images. Sadly, he looks better here then he has at the plate in '08.)

NATS DROP THE BALL

"I should have had it, but he placed it where I wasn't."
(Lastings Milledge, via Washington Times, 5/17/2008)

Orioles 5, Nats 3: Bird Turd. Sloppy D helps hand O's a W. Pretty ugly in the OF.

Da Meat Hook returns (DH). Manny finally sits Kearns.

(Official Nationals Enquirer Preakness picks: 1. Kentucky Bear 2. Big Brown 3. Ichabad Crane)

(AP Photo/Nick Wass)

ENQUIRER EXCLUSIVE! “ENRAGED” ANGELOS BEATS NATS' MASCOTS

"It doesn't strike me in any particular way. They're welcome to do that. It's a free country. It is one huge megalopolis, you know? It's about time we realize it. [Now, get the #&%k off my turf, you #&%s"
(Peter Angelos, via Baltimore Sun, 5/16/2008)

Battle of the Beltways heats up! Turf war!

Peter Angelos attacks Screech, Racing Presidents, during Nats' Inner Harbor Promotion!

According to sources with no knowledge of the situation, enraged Orioles owner Angelos (reportedly foaming at the mouth) broke up a Nationals promotion yesterday at the Inner Harbor in downtown Baltimore, allegedly "punching and kicking, repeatedly" Nationals' mascot Screech and several Racing Presidents. "He was like a rabid dog," our sources tell us. Angelos unavailable for comment.

The Baltimore Sun reports this morning that Angelos had no problem with the promotion, and makes no mention of the attack.

(AP Photo)

Willie or won't he?He will!

"Hey,we scored one run on them, but that was one more run than they did."
(Jason Bergmann, via Washington Post, 5/16/2008)

Softball Girls 1, Manly Mets 0: Wow! Brilliant Bergmann's the story, but Willie Harris' game saving catch in the 9th made it a happy ending.

Ha ha: Boone breaks up Pelfry no-no in 7th.

Mets' boneheaded baserunning in 8th, 9th helped just a bit, too.

Nats take 3 of 4 from overpriced, overrated Mets. And it's stuff like this that makes us love the NY Post:

There are losses, then there are soul-crushing nightmares that send teams spiraling and get the manager fired...

Meanwhile: Surprise! Nick J. to the DL!? Fear not, there's always Da Meat Hook (and his masseuse)...but shouldn't it be Boone starting, Young sitting?

(Photo of TV screen by The Nationals Enquirer staff)

Bergmann's second chance: Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?

"It's a second chance. They sent me down pretty quickly. Steve McCatty helped me get my confidence back."
(Jason Bergmann, via Nationals dot com, 5/14/2008)

Will good 'Mann (Jekyll) or bad 'Mann (Hyde) show up at Shea this afternoon? We think hope it'll be the good 'Mann...

Next question: Does Bergmann get the O'Connor treatment if he stinks it up this afternoon (back on the bus to Columbus)?

FLORES PARA LOS METOS!

Nats 5, Mets 3: Jesus Flores keeps killing ex-org. The Tim Redding Cy Young Journeyman Express back on track and rolling (win #5)!

Nick Johnson heads home for an MRI, preparing for annual trip to DL.

Meanwhile, freshly minted Washington Post Nats' beat writer Chico Harlan vaults to the lead for "1st Annual Nationals Enquirer Award for Creepiest Opening Paragraph in a Baseball Story (mainstream media)":

NEW YORK, May 14 -- Three hours before the Washington Nationals played their 41st game of the season, Manager Manny Acta lathered his head in a rich foam -- a temporary helmet of white. Acta stood in front of a bathroom mirror in his visiting manager's office and used a razor to shave the faint stubble from his head. He was ready for a clean start. (via Washington Post, 5/14/2008)

...just sayin'...

Hey, we missed a couple of days due to general malaise: a win, a loss, and pure tabloid headline gold from Nelson Figueroa!

(Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images. Hat tip to ckstevenson.org.biz for the post title, artfully crafted from "AStreetcar Named Desire", when that lady selling flowers yells "flores para los muertos!")

The Good News is: Nats don't play Marlins again until June 30th

"We're a little worried."
(Manny Acta, via Washington Post, 5/12/2008)

Marlins 5, Nats 4: Ayala blows up again. Hey, how come Hill didn't start the eighth?

O'Connor demoted. A little quick with the hook, though, don't you think -- was there any harm in giving him one more start? Next up for #5 slot is Bergmann, right?

(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

O what a night.

"As the pitching goes, we go...It seems kind of unfair to throw it on the starting pitching, but if you look at any good team in Major League Baseball, they have good starting pitching."
(Ryan Zimmerman, via Washington Times, 05/10/2008)

Marlins 11, NAAAts 0: Zim rips starters post-game. Mike O'Connor, piss poor. Maybe try Bergmann again?

(AP Photo/Nick Wass)